The long overdue recap: The cirque audition.

Many of you were asking, so how did it go?! After a little break and a lot of reflection, here it is.

The hardest part of auditioning for cirque du soleil was not the audition itself, but the process of preparing for it, and the journey home after the fact. The cliff notes version: I flew to Vegas. I auditioned. I got cut in the last hour of a two day process.

The real story comes here:

Almost every performer suffers from some variation of stage nerves. I happen to be "blessed" with the extreme variety (forget sweaty palms...it's more like sh*tty pants). From the day I found out I got the audition I was launched into the biggest roller coaster of my life. All of my inner demons surfaced and in those two weeks, I was faced with a choice: quit or face my fear. On paper the choice seems obvious, but if you lived in my head you might have certainly chosen the first.

I have performed on a lot of stages, in front of thousands of people, and I have succeeded. But I was always missing something. And that something is the most important ingredient in real success and is the hardest to achieve. The hardest thing for an artist is to believe in their own work. There is always someone bigger than you, someone more talented than you. Everyone always has an opinion about how success is defined in your field. And being an artist often means that there will be many days that you will not be validated, and that means you have to pull from your own inner confidence - the hardest task of all. There can be no halfway for an artist. It's all or nothing. That is a big risk to take. And that is the risk I took when I made the decision to audition for cirque. Halfway was just not an option. In order to step on that audition stage, I had to have overcome all insecurities and fears. Because if I was not courageous and I did not believe in myself, why should Cirque?

If I were to describe all I went through emotionally and physically in preparation for this audition, it would probably take a blog the length of a novel and the content would resemble a cross between "A Beautiful Mind" and a slasher film. So, I will spare you. But the important thing is I made it. And when I say the experience changed my life, it truly did.

Although I was cut from the audition, I feel accomplished. I was among a very small group of aerialists who were selected before hand to get this opportunity. Out of hundreds and hundreds of submissions, there were only about 18 selected to audition. And I made it through almost two whole days of performing my act, strength tests, flexibility tests, and dance without getting cut, There were some artists who were cut on the first day. The feedback I received was promising. The first thing they said when they cut me was they liked my act. I can honestly say I wasn't expected to hear that! They liked my style...but it wasn't cirque du soleil's style. Next time, I audition, I need to make it a little more "cirque du soleil." I can live with that :).

What I also learned from this audition is that there are immensely talented artists out there with the same insecurities, obsessiveness, and fears as myself. We are a breed unto our own. And as I stood outside of the audition building in that last hour with the other artists who were cut, we let the tears roll down our cheeks, and tried to process what we went through in a shared silence. It's not two weeks of preparation. It's a lifetime. And it wasn't just an audition. It was an experience. Our hearts and souls and bodies on display. And in the end, no matter how much you bleed yourself onto that stage, you may not be selected. And that's ok. Rejection is another daily battle an artist must learn to overcome. As we parted, we gave each other hugs, and shared positive words. It was time to go back home. It was time to go back to work. Because that's what we do.

Las Vegas here I come!

I was on the road at 6am today, en route to Montreal to do some training at La Caserne, a hub for some of the most talented circus professionals. I had a week of training planned with some really amazing artists. All packed and eager for an uninterrupted week devoted solely to my "professional development", I was abruptly halted by road closures everywhere, As I waited for an onramp to open up, I decided to run a few errands. I stepped out onto the sidewalk and checked an email that popped up on my phone. An email from Cirque du Soleil. Inviting me to audition in Las Vegas. In two weeks. I almost vomited on the sidewalk.

It's really happening. I have my chance. I had visions of bombing the audition and missing the chance of a lifetime. Negative thoughts streamed in like fire ants up a pant leg -"I'm not prepared. I'm out of shape. I don't have a worthy act. I've got acute tendonitis in my hip flexor. I suck at auditions." Not until later that afternoon did I realize that cirque du soleil picked me to audition for a reason. On some level (however big or small) my work is convincing. Now why do I not believe that myself? After an afternoon of complete panic, and a b-line to the gym, I decided to take a walk to the water...a little park by the Hudson River. I meditated on positive thoughts and tried to be kind to myself. (I was not kind, however, to the brat little girl next to me hurling rocks at the ducks. ) I have 5 minutes to prove to Cirque du Soleil that I am worth hiring. I have a lifetime to battle my inner self and trust that who I am is enough. Whether or not I will actually get into to Cirque du Soleil is a mystery now, but my battle to win self confidence begins today.

So...I'm slacking

I've been slacking on my workout routines. I had virtually 2 weeks of barely moving at all, outside teaching. One of the cons of not being locked into a 9 to 5 schedule, is that it is almost impossible to have any structure at all. Every time I try to schedule regular workouts, a gig pops up (last week I was called to be a body painting model), or a business fire needs to be put out (space constraints with my teaching program), or I'm asked to fill in at a teaching job...and before I know it the week is over and all attempts at working out fell to the wayside. I am still searching for an answer to this dilemma. I just have to make time no matter what comes up. I have to say to myself, workout 5 times this week, no matter what day of the week and no matter what time of day or night....just get 5 workouts in. I will try that tactic from now on. I will take any suggestions I can get. I am also learning it helps to have a workout partner to keep you on track...any volunteers??

This week will be a particular challenge because I am traveling for 5 days. Traveling always poses a problem for aerialists. We can't do what we do without our precious equipment and high ceilings. It's just not something we can do in a hotel room. So, I will be working out the old fashion way - running and weights and pilates. Although I am traveling for a circus conference, so I am sure I will get an opportunity to play in the air, at least a little :). Off to pack now. I am Florida bound....for sun, sandals, and flying trapeze!

Hilary Sweeney Incorporated

Merely loving your art and getting work wherever you can find it is not exactly a sound business plan. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in the fact that we, artists, say yes to everything and work for free way more often than we should. At the ripe age of 30, living paycheck to paycheck gets old rather quickly. I do in fact want a home of my own someday and a comfortable salary, but I don't want to have to wait tables until 2 in the morning, or marry an investment banker. I want to earn it on my own AND do what I love.

The only way to get there is through a lot of planning and a whole lot of discipline and commitment. So, this past weekend I began structuring a business plan, with the help of Manuel who recently finished an intense Project Management Training course. I'm only a fraction of the way through and already it is transforming the way I think about my livelihood and the choices I am making for myself. If my mission is clearly defined, I will only chose opportunities that directly support it. Decisions become much easier and my energies are focused only on tasks that help to drive my business forward. Next in the planning process is budget and salary requirements. If I were paying someone to do a job for me, I would pay them what they were worth and I would pay them on time. I should be doing the same for myself...or at least more actively pursuing the target. If any other artist wants advice on this process, I will be happy to share my notes and templates for structuring your own plan. Just message me!

Not your average Monday

When I used to work at Pepsi, I had an abusive relationship with my alarm clock - especially on Monday mornings. Mondays were never remarkable. They were a "drag-your-feet-to-work" day after a way too brief weekend. I must say, since I left the corporate world things got a lot more interesting. Case in point: this Monday I had an aerial bar-tending gig with the lovely ladies of ImaginAerial (www.imaginaerial.com). We poured champagne from the air at an amazing venue overlooking the New York skyline. For those of you who know me well, my spacial awareness drops off when my feet hit the ground. I spill something at least once every meal. So, the real feat for me was not posing at 20 feet in the air, it was pouring champagne without spilling. I did surprisingly well! If only I could replicate the same grace in my own kitchen. There were 6 of us rotating in 15 minute shifts throughout the night. And we got to watch a fireworks display at the end of the night. I'd say that's a pretty remarkable Monday.

Application to Cirque Submitted!

I'm a day late on my blog, but the important news is....I made my submission to the cirque du soleil website! It's entirely terrifying. A few years ago, I was sitting in the audience of Cirque du Soleil's Varekai only dreaming about doing what they do. Now, I am applying to their company. Even if I never land the audition, it is still a big moment in my life to even try for it. For some people, leaps like these might be common place in their world, but for me It takes a lot of courage.

In other news, I performed for Showboat Shazaam on Sunday, a circus show on a barge on Pier 6 in Brooklyn. It was day of sweltering heat and rocky waters, but the boat had a beautiful view of Manhattan. All in all, it was really fun to perform. The cast of characters included a darling clown from Paris named Steffi, who I befriended and met for drinks last night in a garden bar on the Bowery. We had documentary film makers follow us at this show, and I was interviewed. I've never been interviewed like this before...I can only hope they edit out any asinine remarks that might have spilled out of my mouth when I was put on the spot.

Next week, stayed tuned for a blog on aerial bar tending... I got a gig next Monday pouring drinks from the air. I'm an aerialist, but I'm no bartender. Should be interesting!

New Workout: 3,2,1...Blast-off!

It's a new week, and I finally kicked that pesky virus. There's no better time than now to launch my new structured work-out. I hired a personal trainer who works remotely and had a long career with Cirque du Soleil. I couldn't have found a more perfect mentor to take me to the next level. She wrote me a program that includes core training, strength training, shoulder conditioning, flexibility exercises and even conditioning on silks and rope. I dabbled with it last week while I was sick, but yesterday, I really got it going. Already, I feel pretty darn sore - which means it's working of course. To help track my progress, and discipline myself, I bought a work-out journal. I strongly recommend this to anyone trying to go after a goal. Writing it down and checking off boxes along the way, helps keep you on track.

It's only Day 2 and I am fighting excuses..."I'm tired, it's too early for a workout...I have friends coming over for dinner...I ran out of time..it's 90 degrees outside....I'm knee-deep in work..." I did, however, drag myself out of bed this morning to rehearse my trapeze act for an upcoming show. But I still have to squeeze in one more workout before the day is over. I better sign off now, and hit the gym. Let's see how successful this week will be....

Sick-week

Last week was quite a loss for me. I spent just over 7 days completely grounded with a virus. For me (a workaholic) taking one day off is difficult, never mind a whole week. It was a daily struggle to enjoy life without being productive. It makes me realize how strongly happiness is tied to productivity. And therefore, unproductiveness breeds depression. Last week, I really tried to fight that cycle, accept the fact that my body needed a rest, and try to look at life in a different way. It was a good lesson for me. As much as my work is an expression of who I am, it can also be a distraction from certain parts of me that I would rather not face. In the stillness and silence of being sick, there lies a completely different way of life. We are really not in control at all. Viruses and other natural forces disrupt our plans and humble us. All of life is fleeting and changing, and for that reason it is essential we lead a life that holds true to our values and feeds an inner peace. Because in those moments when life shakes us to our core, it is all we will have left.

Operation: Audition for Cirque du Soleil

I'm blogging today on this lovely 4th of July with a raging cold, or quite possibly a flu. That really put a wrench in my workout routine. I'm not off to a productive start this week. But I will make my blog!

So, I'm 30 years old...not a spring chicken in the world of performing. But, as I prove to myself day by day that I can do things that I never thought possible, I realize that I should no longer listen to the voice of self doubt. It's time to get some big names on my resume...and I'm shooting for Cirque du Soleil! Cirque du Soleil is cranking out shows like a factory these days and they need more performers than ever to support them. There is no better time than now to go for the golden egg.

How will I get there? Train, train, train, and train some more. It's time to up the anty on my workout routine. I'm talking weight, cardio, endurance, and flexibility training, dance, and floor work. And it's time to get inventive with my acts. Before I am even considered for an audition, I have to submit my profile to the website. That means I need an act that will really set me apart...doing whatever it takes to avoid ending up in the reject pile. So, this summer is all about developing my act and getting myself into tip top shape. That means, 6 days a week I will be moving in some shape or form.

Regardless of where the journey takes me, it is an exciting one, and I am happy to chronicle the process with you all. I'll be sure to share all the struggles, the doubt, the good, and the bad as I give it all I got and try to go after another dream.

Blog Day Mondays

So, I committed to starting a blog...and then had no time to write it. I am no longer going to use the excuse, "there are not enough hours in the day" because there really are enough....I'm just terrible at using them wisely. Feel free to chime in with your experiences, fellow freelancers...but when you don't have a 9 to 5 schedule, a boss breathing down your back, or a executive meeting to get you out of bed in the morning, some days are just plain difficult. You can't seem to light that proverbial fire under your proverbial ass. That, combined with the fact that I am naturally a procrastinator, I always end up in the same position - too much to do and not enough time to do it.

So what kept me from writing the past couple weeks? A business proposal deadline for a new teaching program, teaching, developing a new trapeze act for a show, performing two shows, and moving to a new apartment (why are we New Yorkers ALWAYS moving?). The lines between my personal life and my job are so blurred that getting consumed by work is almost as easy as breathing. But in working for myself, I am learning so much about who I am and what I really want. Lately, I've had a little voice that's starting to well up inside me saying, "find balance again", "let that pendulum settle somewhere in the middle." I want to spend more time with my best friend without having to pencil her in for 5 minutes in between one job and the next. I want time to volunteer with someone less fortunate than I. I want time to call my parents on the phone and say more than just "hi, I'm too tired to talk, just wanted to make sure you're alive." I want time to sit in a garden somewhere and not have a plan. What is the key to gaining that balance? Learning to manage my time better would be a good first step; putting deadlines on everything I do. And my first deadline? Blog Day Mondays. Every Monday I will publish my blog. If I stay on track with that, who knows, it might just set the tone for adding more discipline to other aspects of my life...

Success is not served on a silver platter

When you find what you love and make it your living, there is no such thing as "business is business". Too much is invested. Your heart is spewing out of every project, your passion is driving every hour of the day, your soul is splattered on the stage, or the canvas, or whatever your medium might be. If you teach, and you love teaching, your students are certainly not walking paychecks, or stepping stones to get ahead. When you do what you love and make it your living, there-within lies the risk. When projects fail, when you don't get appreciated, when your efforts hit a wall, when you don't make that audition, or your performance falls dead on delivery, there is virtually no way to write it off as just a job. It hits you at the core. And what I am learning, as all artists are forced to do, is not to let those moments derail you. It's the art of toughening up without becoming cold. It's adapting and evolving without losing your identity. It's finding the other door, when the one you had your eye on slams shut in front of you.

Passion and drive are not enough to become successful in this business. It takes a lot of work. Miserable work. Tedious work. And it means putting yourself out there, fearlessly, no matter how many obstacles get thrown in your path. And this is my lesson today, as I attempt to grow and find new ways to make a living. You can't just sit back and expect work to flow in or to be appreciated for what you do. And when conflict arises, you can't let your boss deal with it, because you are your own boss. For all those who look to "live the dream," make sure you arm yourself with lots of sugar, because you will have to contend with lots of lemon storms before you get your lemonade.

Zarkana Dress Rehearsal

So, one of the great perks of working for a circus is getting invited to Cirque du Soleil's dress rehearsal before the big premiere. Last night, I, along with 20 other students and colleagues, spent the evening at Radio City Music Hall, for Cirque's new show, Zarkana." My take? Definitely worth seeing.

Overall, the talent isn't top notch like most of the other cirque shows, but there are definitely some stand out acts worth the ticket price. Most notably, the ladder balancers, who are just insane...I will leave it at that. For all my aerialist friends out there, there was a pretty solid flying duo corde act. Nothing groundbreaking - basically take a duo flying silks act, and do it with corde...nothing we all couldn't do :). The show also features the wheel of death, an edge of your seat, adrenaline-inducing act...but if you've seen Kooza, you might be disappointed. Another favorite of mine was the flag juggling act. Jugglers filled the stage and tossed giant white flags in the air in amazing configurations. All around mesmorizing. Other acts included cyr wheel, flying trapeze, Russian bar, handbalancing...really the show had it all. They couldn't have packed in more variety. And with such variety, they really lost the story-line. It wasn't apparent at all. But honesty, who goes to Cirque for the story-line? They should probably give up trying at this point.

The music was unlike Cirque's signature non-language styles. It was all English lyrics and was belted out broadway-style. They did a good job incorporating the vocalists into the acts, by suspending them mid-air along with the other performers. The male vocalist was soothing and the female lead was shrill, kindof nails on a chalkboard after a while.

As a theater show, contrary to Wintuk and Banana Schpeel, which were met with horrible reviews, this show stands a real chance at a long, successful run here in the Big Apple. The producers really made the most of the theater space by engineering complex set changes, multimedia, and special effects. Cirque, you did again. You inspired me to keep going, keep developing, keep auditioning, keep dreaming.

My Coworkers are Clowns

About one year ago, I fled the cubicle to join the circus. Since then, my life has been brimming with artistic inspiration, little adventures, rich experiences, and happy accidents. It has been quite the departure from my old 9 to 5 life at the office. Gone is the old feeling of hitting that alarm and wishing it was Friday. It is pretty difficult to have a dull day at work when your co-workers are clowns. Needless to say, my perspective on life has changed now that I spend more time hanging from ceilings than I do treading on the floor. I have learned a lot about life, have met amazingly interesting people, and have had experiences so unusual - they could only happen in the circus.

I hope you enjoy following me in the adventure, the joy, and the struggle to make it in this crazy biz.

My lastest project is a new static trapeze act. I've been spending hours and hours in development for an upcoming show this month, called Showboat Shazzaam. See the listing on Broadway world..that's my pic from last year's run! http://offoffbroadway.broadwayworld.com/article/Waterfront-Museum-