The long overdue recap: The cirque audition.

Many of you were asking, so how did it go?! After a little break and a lot of reflection, here it is.

The hardest part of auditioning for cirque du soleil was not the audition itself, but the process of preparing for it, and the journey home after the fact. The cliff notes version: I flew to Vegas. I auditioned. I got cut in the last hour of a two day process.

The real story comes here:

Almost every performer suffers from some variation of stage nerves. I happen to be "blessed" with the extreme variety (forget sweaty palms...it's more like sh*tty pants). From the day I found out I got the audition I was launched into the biggest roller coaster of my life. All of my inner demons surfaced and in those two weeks, I was faced with a choice: quit or face my fear. On paper the choice seems obvious, but if you lived in my head you might have certainly chosen the first.

I have performed on a lot of stages, in front of thousands of people, and I have succeeded. But I was always missing something. And that something is the most important ingredient in real success and is the hardest to achieve. The hardest thing for an artist is to believe in their own work. There is always someone bigger than you, someone more talented than you. Everyone always has an opinion about how success is defined in your field. And being an artist often means that there will be many days that you will not be validated, and that means you have to pull from your own inner confidence - the hardest task of all. There can be no halfway for an artist. It's all or nothing. That is a big risk to take. And that is the risk I took when I made the decision to audition for cirque. Halfway was just not an option. In order to step on that audition stage, I had to have overcome all insecurities and fears. Because if I was not courageous and I did not believe in myself, why should Cirque?

If I were to describe all I went through emotionally and physically in preparation for this audition, it would probably take a blog the length of a novel and the content would resemble a cross between "A Beautiful Mind" and a slasher film. So, I will spare you. But the important thing is I made it. And when I say the experience changed my life, it truly did.

Although I was cut from the audition, I feel accomplished. I was among a very small group of aerialists who were selected before hand to get this opportunity. Out of hundreds and hundreds of submissions, there were only about 18 selected to audition. And I made it through almost two whole days of performing my act, strength tests, flexibility tests, and dance without getting cut, There were some artists who were cut on the first day. The feedback I received was promising. The first thing they said when they cut me was they liked my act. I can honestly say I wasn't expected to hear that! They liked my style...but it wasn't cirque du soleil's style. Next time, I audition, I need to make it a little more "cirque du soleil." I can live with that :).

What I also learned from this audition is that there are immensely talented artists out there with the same insecurities, obsessiveness, and fears as myself. We are a breed unto our own. And as I stood outside of the audition building in that last hour with the other artists who were cut, we let the tears roll down our cheeks, and tried to process what we went through in a shared silence. It's not two weeks of preparation. It's a lifetime. And it wasn't just an audition. It was an experience. Our hearts and souls and bodies on display. And in the end, no matter how much you bleed yourself onto that stage, you may not be selected. And that's ok. Rejection is another daily battle an artist must learn to overcome. As we parted, we gave each other hugs, and shared positive words. It was time to go back home. It was time to go back to work. Because that's what we do.

Las Vegas here I come!

I was on the road at 6am today, en route to Montreal to do some training at La Caserne, a hub for some of the most talented circus professionals. I had a week of training planned with some really amazing artists. All packed and eager for an uninterrupted week devoted solely to my "professional development", I was abruptly halted by road closures everywhere, As I waited for an onramp to open up, I decided to run a few errands. I stepped out onto the sidewalk and checked an email that popped up on my phone. An email from Cirque du Soleil. Inviting me to audition in Las Vegas. In two weeks. I almost vomited on the sidewalk.

It's really happening. I have my chance. I had visions of bombing the audition and missing the chance of a lifetime. Negative thoughts streamed in like fire ants up a pant leg -"I'm not prepared. I'm out of shape. I don't have a worthy act. I've got acute tendonitis in my hip flexor. I suck at auditions." Not until later that afternoon did I realize that cirque du soleil picked me to audition for a reason. On some level (however big or small) my work is convincing. Now why do I not believe that myself? After an afternoon of complete panic, and a b-line to the gym, I decided to take a walk to the water...a little park by the Hudson River. I meditated on positive thoughts and tried to be kind to myself. (I was not kind, however, to the brat little girl next to me hurling rocks at the ducks. ) I have 5 minutes to prove to Cirque du Soleil that I am worth hiring. I have a lifetime to battle my inner self and trust that who I am is enough. Whether or not I will actually get into to Cirque du Soleil is a mystery now, but my battle to win self confidence begins today.

So...I'm slacking

I've been slacking on my workout routines. I had virtually 2 weeks of barely moving at all, outside teaching. One of the cons of not being locked into a 9 to 5 schedule, is that it is almost impossible to have any structure at all. Every time I try to schedule regular workouts, a gig pops up (last week I was called to be a body painting model), or a business fire needs to be put out (space constraints with my teaching program), or I'm asked to fill in at a teaching job...and before I know it the week is over and all attempts at working out fell to the wayside. I am still searching for an answer to this dilemma. I just have to make time no matter what comes up. I have to say to myself, workout 5 times this week, no matter what day of the week and no matter what time of day or night....just get 5 workouts in. I will try that tactic from now on. I will take any suggestions I can get. I am also learning it helps to have a workout partner to keep you on track...any volunteers??

This week will be a particular challenge because I am traveling for 5 days. Traveling always poses a problem for aerialists. We can't do what we do without our precious equipment and high ceilings. It's just not something we can do in a hotel room. So, I will be working out the old fashion way - running and weights and pilates. Although I am traveling for a circus conference, so I am sure I will get an opportunity to play in the air, at least a little :). Off to pack now. I am Florida bound....for sun, sandals, and flying trapeze!

Hilary Sweeney Incorporated

Merely loving your art and getting work wherever you can find it is not exactly a sound business plan. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in the fact that we, artists, say yes to everything and work for free way more often than we should. At the ripe age of 30, living paycheck to paycheck gets old rather quickly. I do in fact want a home of my own someday and a comfortable salary, but I don't want to have to wait tables until 2 in the morning, or marry an investment banker. I want to earn it on my own AND do what I love.

The only way to get there is through a lot of planning and a whole lot of discipline and commitment. So, this past weekend I began structuring a business plan, with the help of Manuel who recently finished an intense Project Management Training course. I'm only a fraction of the way through and already it is transforming the way I think about my livelihood and the choices I am making for myself. If my mission is clearly defined, I will only chose opportunities that directly support it. Decisions become much easier and my energies are focused only on tasks that help to drive my business forward. Next in the planning process is budget and salary requirements. If I were paying someone to do a job for me, I would pay them what they were worth and I would pay them on time. I should be doing the same for myself...or at least more actively pursuing the target. If any other artist wants advice on this process, I will be happy to share my notes and templates for structuring your own plan. Just message me!

Not your average Monday

When I used to work at Pepsi, I had an abusive relationship with my alarm clock - especially on Monday mornings. Mondays were never remarkable. They were a "drag-your-feet-to-work" day after a way too brief weekend. I must say, since I left the corporate world things got a lot more interesting. Case in point: this Monday I had an aerial bar-tending gig with the lovely ladies of ImaginAerial (www.imaginaerial.com). We poured champagne from the air at an amazing venue overlooking the New York skyline. For those of you who know me well, my spacial awareness drops off when my feet hit the ground. I spill something at least once every meal. So, the real feat for me was not posing at 20 feet in the air, it was pouring champagne without spilling. I did surprisingly well! If only I could replicate the same grace in my own kitchen. There were 6 of us rotating in 15 minute shifts throughout the night. And we got to watch a fireworks display at the end of the night. I'd say that's a pretty remarkable Monday.

Application to Cirque Submitted!

I'm a day late on my blog, but the important news is....I made my submission to the cirque du soleil website! It's entirely terrifying. A few years ago, I was sitting in the audience of Cirque du Soleil's Varekai only dreaming about doing what they do. Now, I am applying to their company. Even if I never land the audition, it is still a big moment in my life to even try for it. For some people, leaps like these might be common place in their world, but for me It takes a lot of courage.

In other news, I performed for Showboat Shazaam on Sunday, a circus show on a barge on Pier 6 in Brooklyn. It was day of sweltering heat and rocky waters, but the boat had a beautiful view of Manhattan. All in all, it was really fun to perform. The cast of characters included a darling clown from Paris named Steffi, who I befriended and met for drinks last night in a garden bar on the Bowery. We had documentary film makers follow us at this show, and I was interviewed. I've never been interviewed like this before...I can only hope they edit out any asinine remarks that might have spilled out of my mouth when I was put on the spot.

Next week, stayed tuned for a blog on aerial bar tending... I got a gig next Monday pouring drinks from the air. I'm an aerialist, but I'm no bartender. Should be interesting!

New Workout: 3,2,1...Blast-off!

It's a new week, and I finally kicked that pesky virus. There's no better time than now to launch my new structured work-out. I hired a personal trainer who works remotely and had a long career with Cirque du Soleil. I couldn't have found a more perfect mentor to take me to the next level. She wrote me a program that includes core training, strength training, shoulder conditioning, flexibility exercises and even conditioning on silks and rope. I dabbled with it last week while I was sick, but yesterday, I really got it going. Already, I feel pretty darn sore - which means it's working of course. To help track my progress, and discipline myself, I bought a work-out journal. I strongly recommend this to anyone trying to go after a goal. Writing it down and checking off boxes along the way, helps keep you on track.

It's only Day 2 and I am fighting excuses..."I'm tired, it's too early for a workout...I have friends coming over for dinner...I ran out of time..it's 90 degrees outside....I'm knee-deep in work..." I did, however, drag myself out of bed this morning to rehearse my trapeze act for an upcoming show. But I still have to squeeze in one more workout before the day is over. I better sign off now, and hit the gym. Let's see how successful this week will be....